Monday, February 2, 2015

The Parasitic Leech in the Marriage?


Let's digress a little from tutoring for today...

Given the pervasive use of the word “dependent” within the military community, it’s no wonder the oversized playground bullies of our community have turned the word into DEPENDAPOTAMUS, the rotund, animalized version of a military spouse. Y’know, the one who sits at home waiting for payday so she can head to the mall and spend all her man’s money?! Heyyyy!

Words have meaning.

I make a point of correcting every offending user of the word “dependent,” by ‘gently’ affirming “spouse” in response. I ain't nobody's "dependent." After 7 years, it’s second nature now; “spouse,” an affirmation of the one word question “dependent?” simply rolls off the tongue. The response is terse in the same way I'd respond “I did well” to a small child (and my sister) who tells me how “good” he did at something. I expect the eye-rolling. Whatever.

I'd sooner describe myself as independent--I've worked since I was 14, I put myself through college, and I can damn sure take care of myself, but independent isn't quite accurate either. I don't want it to be how I describe myself; at 30, I think I've matured past my Ms. Independent days. In a way, I have grown to develop a dependence on both my husband and the sisterhood of military spouses, my friends; I see this as a positive. But that doesn't make me a dependent.

Again, words have meaning.

For all intents and purposes, the DoD has given their own meaning to the word “dependent.” They’ve lumped all military spouses under that odious term along with their children and any other of the service member’s beneficiaries.

But their use of the word is inaccurate. They've stripped "dependent" of its meaning. 

Dependent is a loaded term. Though the admin clerk at the MTF or the receptionist at the CDC may not realize it, they’re asking if I am the inferior partner in my marriage—the parasitic leech partner, that is. They’re asking if I rely solely on my husband for financial support, for health care benefits; the simple question implies that I am a ward of my husband akin to a child, for in the eyes of the DoD, a child falls under the same category of personnel—dependent; my child and I are one and the same. I might believe that the sun shines out of my 4-month-old’s caboose, but that little wriggling ball of sunshine and I have vastly different capacities for independence.

Well, that’s unless I sign him up for some baby modeling gigs; he’d definitely out-earn me then. Anyone need a ridiculously cute 4-month-old for a campaign?

Words have meaning, and the choice of the word "dependent" subliminally (if not directly) influences other members of our community to perceive us as such. It draws out the weaker, judgmental side of our nature. That woman in the commissary with her messy hair, yoga pants, and bedraggled kids? Her image has probably been blasted all over Instagram or Facebook under #Dependa, the root of the very word that the military community perpetuates. Her husband may be deployed, she may have just come from the hospital, or maybe she's just really damn tired because she's working all the time and doesn't see a need to curl her eyelashes and her hair just to please your delicate sensibilities. Don't you have anything better to do, #Dependa stalkers?

Who you callin' blood sucker?
What the hell?

We’re dependent because we receive family healthcare as an employer benefit? Are spouses in civilian marriages ascribed the same derogatory term? We wouldn’t deign to relegate the spouse of the member of Congress as a “dependent” simply because she receives healthcare as part of her spouse’s employment compensation package. Was Laura Bush a “dependent” when W. was president because she received employer-provided housing? What about Michelle?

I personally don’t know any military spouses whom I would call dependent. I can list dozens of empowered military spouse women—and a few men—who are successful not only despite the obstacles that the uncertainties of military life throw in their way but BECAUSE of the obstacles; the challenges made them stronger. ‘Nuff said.

Dependency isn't entirely a bad thing though.

We’re just not dependent in the way that the DoD defines us. Dependent also means that we rely on others for support that goes beyond financial need; we rely on others for emotional support. As military spouses, we’re stripped of our traditional social support networks; we don’t live near the people we grew up with, our family, our friends. We don’t step directly into a new support when we PCS to a new installation; the service member in the relationship does when he (or she) walks into his new unit. He has a squadron, office mates, and built in support. We have…an FRG? Blech! Military spouses depend on other military spouses as their battle buddies during deployments, TDYs, and whatever other erratic military schedule keeps their partner away from home. And, yes, we depend on our spouse—the service member—for emotional support and friendship. Our dependence brings us together.

So cut the crap with the the dependent, dependa, dependapotamus nonsense. 

The last thing I want my son to grow up hearing though is that his mother is a “dependent” because she--and her military spouse friends--are anything but. 



Photo Source: www.dollarphotoclub.com/stock-photo/Cartoon mosquito lying and drinking blood/37373492

12 comments:

  1. I wouldn't be surprised if my photo was taken at the commissary--my hair is usually messy, and I'm out of it because I haven't had my caffeine yet.

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  2. Join the club ! Maybe we'll both find unfortunate memes of ourselves one day. :P

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  3. Oh my goodness GIRL...you have my dying laughing with the Laura Bush comment. Love the perspective you took with this post. Thanks for linking up with us! It's great to see so many spouses join together to create a more encouraging and supportive community!

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    1. Glad I could make you laugh. It makes my day to hear when I can do that! :) I'm thankful for the opportunity to participate. This has been bothering me for years (as you can tell). Thanks for the comment! ~ Karina

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  4. I was called a whore for wearing heels to the commissary. I love this. Thank you for your perspective.

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    1. Well, indeed! I'd have expected more of a "Stepford Wife-esque" commentary! ~ Karina

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  5. Oh my goodness! #dependa is a thing, with memes and random photos of unsuspecting people. I had no idea.

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    1. I didn't realize it either until I saw an article that Military Spouse Magazine posted last year. It's sad that people feel a need to belittle others as their means of finding humor/ entertainment. ~ Karina

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  6. I love your style of writing! You've got a great sense of humor and I love the points you made about military spouses being anything BUT dependent. Preach it, girl! Thanks for sharing your thoughts :)

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    1. Thanks, Brittney! That's really sweet of you to say. :)

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  7. When will your "Contact Us" page be up?

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    1. It should be up after the weekend. In the meantime, you're welcome to email me at info@thoughtsontutoring.com!

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